ROBIN RARE 11: CUT AND RUN

          Robin watched a beautiful sight as he took it in before like a watercolour in the rain the picture became distorted as he realised one of his contact lenses had moved because he was crying. While he was readjusting it trying to get it back in place he thought back to the days before this event had happened.

     It was a hot summer’s day and the patients were moaning about the heat. It was while he was fiddling around in the shed that he came to find one of the ultimate cooling devices, actually the centre didn’t have cooling devices and this was the only option in his mind.

     “Now everyone this is the best I can do.”

     All the staff some sweating buckets as shown by the wet patches under their armpits and crutch area if you cared to look gave the game away.

     “It looks to me like a strimmer with rulers glued to it.”

     Robin nodded, “Very astute of you David it is a strimmer with rulers not glued but blue tacked to it.”

     “Out the way people I’ve got to see this and watch the nose, I didn’t pay good money to have it bent.”

     Robin couldn’t get used to Dirk with a straight nose, it took something away from his distinct facial feature of a stud, no desperate man. Now he just looked like well an ordinary desperate man.

     “No harm will be done as I switch on the power, and see cold air blowing forth.”

     The ones at the front had to agree as it blew off mister McGee’s toupee and parted mister Daniels ginger hair in the middle which gave a brief demonstration of how God must have parted the red sea. It was going well until someone said; “It looks a little unstable to me.”

     Dirk who was stood to the right of the machine noticed it to, “Yeah one of the blades is definitely shaking.”

     It was then that one ruler after the other lost their fight to stay on the beast and shot much like a machine gun spat bullets in Dirks direction and hit him square on the nose.

     “Oh my lord, not the nose, ouch!” He pulled out a small wallet which had a mirror inside it and whilst holding the mirror in one hand and his bloody nose in the other he inspected the damage. “You bent my nose Rare, you bent my baby.”

     Mary rushed over and said, “But I thought I was your baby.”

     Dirk looked furtive before coming out with quickly, “Um, yeah…you are my baby and this is my second baby.”

     “Now come here and let me have a good look at this.” She cracked her knuckles before grabbing hold of Dirk’s conk giving it a sudden twist with her thumb and index finger. It made a little cracking sound of its own. “Now that’s just the way it was before Robin’s mishap.”

     Dirk took a look in his mirror and apart from the blood his best feature was restored.

     “Sorry Dirk.”

     Dirk walked over and patted his buddy on the back. “Don’t worry my hunchbacked friend all is forgiven.”

     But all wasn’t forgiven as Amanda signalled him off to her room, with Dirk following.

     Once inside Robin felt the cold air from an air conditioning unit blowing out chilled air, “How come you get an air conditioned office?”

     She turned and glared at him, “I don’t have to answer to you what the board give me for certain… favours.” She leaned forward with both hands palm down on the desk. “What am I going to do with you; you are a one man health and safety nightmare. Plus you were three hours late for work this morning.”

     “I can explain that.”

     “You can?”

     "I was stuck in what I thought to be a traffic jam."

     "What was it then?"

     "Just a row of badly parked cars."

     “Give him a break miss.” Dirk pleaded like a school boy does in front of his teacher.

     “Like he almost did your nose.”

     “Just this once.”

     Amanda sighed, “Okay, just this once, a small punishment. Now I need your belt and boots."

     "What kind of punishment is that?" Robin asked.

     "The boots make me feel all kinky and the belt is to whip you with big boy!"

     "Run!" Was all that Dirk said as he yanked the small man by the collar and they were out of there.

     On the way back to the canteen Dirk stopped, "Sounds like that gutter is leaking again with that constant tapping sound."

     Robin was going to agree until he realised where the sound was coming from, "No it's Nathan the one legged tap dancer."

     "Oh yeah." Dirk replied as he turned to see the old boy in his wheelchair tapping away with steel toe capped shoes, um shoe.

     The canteen was full of the usual suspects as Robin sat down, with Dirk flipping his chair one eighty to sit with his legs spread out as far as they would go.

     “Who’s working Christmas this year?” David asked and got a few frowns. “Hey don’t look that way, I have to do the rota this far ahead so as to avoid as little upset as possible.”

     Robin spoke first, “I’ll do Christmas as I remember those cold evenings by the fire, mum playing darts using my head as the board; that musty smell from my drunk granddad’s urine soaked trousers drying out via the heat from the fire.”

      Dirk agreed adding, “I’ll do Christmas as all I remember about Christmas was my dad being drunk and throwing up in the punch bowl. I didn’t notice, I thought those orange chunks were just that orange chunks, imagine my surprise to find they tasted of acidic carrot mixed with vodka.”

     Mary added, “I’ll do Christmas as all I remember is putting on three stone…depressing that.”

     “My wife left me on Christmas day, that’s why I work them now.” David added to the looks of sad depressed faces matched his.

     “I think that is why we all work them now because they as in Christmas day are always depressing.” Mary mumbled as she looked at her waistline.

     David had to throw a bit of better news and so went with this, “We are getting rid of the discharge centre.”

     Dirk looked up, “Thank goodness for that I hated cleaning up after people’s discharges.”

     David frowned, “That’s not what I was…”

     Mary cut him off “Just let him believe he’s right for once.”

     David thought it over and let it go with another change of subject “Are we all signed up for that trip to Brighton? I take it your wife isn’t coming as she is still on maternity leave, extended maternity leave I believe.”

     “Yes she feels the need to be with our child as she says I can’t be trusted.”

     He remembered being on a hilly coastal town street and his wife asked; “I take it you put the brake on the pram.”

     “What brake?”

     “Oh Robin!” Marie had shouted as the pram with baby rolled off down the hill.

     “If it hadn’t been for a sandy beach at the bottom our child would have been halfway to France by now.”

     “Are you still going to those baby classes for new mums and dads?”

     “Ah…no we had to pack them in.”

     His mind again flicked back to their first time and how nervous they were, yet did they really have to be so nervous?

     The lady in charge smiled at the group; "We'll go round the room and tell us what item you have from your baby’s birth is special to you. Um, Robin you go first."

     “Hi all.”

     “Hi.” Each one said almost in unison.

     "What’s special to me is my babies afterbirth we had frozen to show him when he's older."

     The room remained a deathly silence as all almost in unison vacated it to leave Robin and Marie and son.

     “I told you not to say that, but no you had to go on and say it.”

     “Sorry.”

     Robin came back to the present, “I’ll be there.”

                               TO BRIGHTON WE GO

     David pulled the van out of the garage and honked the horn. The team began to assemble.

     “Right everyone shove your suitcases in the back.” He noted Robin had three “We are only going for a few days you didn’t need to bring three of them along.”

     “The big one is full of medicine, allergies you see. The second the medium one are my clothes and the third one contains toilet rolls as I may have an upset stomach eating out or at the hotel, last thing I need is to be caught out in a bog with no paper. The last time I had that happen to me I left skid marks…”

     “Okay enough said…”

     “Rare my man if you have got space problems with three cases with each one smaller in size do what I do.”

     “What do you do Dirk?”

     “I get the big one and open it and put the medium one inside, then I get the smaller one and put that in the medium one, see space case solved!”

     “But…” David came out with and caught Mary’s eye.

     “Just let him be right this time.”

     David was tempted not to let it go but did as time was of the essence here “All aboard.”

     The van was loaded and everyone got in and sat down. As David pulled away he heard a strange sound coming from somewhere.

     “Rare.”

     Robin was riding shotgun and turned to face David to see what was left of his hair holding on for dear life as the drivers window was open “What David.”

     “Do you hear a strange tapping sound, the van has been serviced right?”

     “I took it down myself…tapping?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Oh my, stop the van!”

     David pulled the van over and as everyone looked on he followed Rare to where Robin bent down to where the tapping was and sure enough there he was in a frightful state.

     “You’ve ran over Nathan the one legged tap dancer and dragged him along via the exhaust.”

     David frowned, “But…but how could I?”

     Robin walked to the front, “You didn’t see his wheelchair then.”

     “Oh my heavens above!”

     Robin patted the man on the back, “I think it would be better if Mary drives.”

     Dirk leaned out of the window, “But me and Mary were going to have a snog in the back row.”

     “You can’t do that.” David replied as he came back to his senses, “One, it’s work time and two all the suitcases are at the back.”

     “Oh yeah hadn’t thought about that.” Dirk changed subject “So you ran over Nathan good driving my man.”

     “Just get your arse out here and help me pull him out.”

     “Okay, okay.” Dirk almost fell out of the van as he chose to climb over the back instead of choosing the front like normal people.

     “You have to do things the hard way don’t you.”

     “Hey, that’s because I’m a tough guy.” Dirk grinned before asking, “So how come you knew the old git was under the van?”

     “That’s easy,” Robin replied as he pulled a grin “The old man was tapping SOS in morse code onto the exhaust.”

     Just then Amanda pulled up in her flash car with a stranger. “What is the hold up?”

     “Just removing a patient from underneath the van. Didn’t see him um…trying to escape…yes that will do.”

     “Then place him in a padded cell and catch us up.”

     David’s lie worked as the old man was pulled out all oily and dusty.

     The van finally headed out and onto the motorway and with no more mishaps as Mary was driving they made it in good time to the hotel.

                                        MEETINGS

     Robin and David saddled up to the reception desk and found a lady there who had a pair of rather thick lens glasses on.

     “Hello, somebody there?”

     Robin and David looked at each other before David replied, “Yes we have come to book in, we have a reservation. I believe you have already booked our friends in from the loony bin.”

     The girl frowned before she got it, “Oh yes I see, just sign in here.”

     Robin looked at the place where she was pointing, “Um, that’s the menu for tonight by the looks of it.”

     The girl came up close and followed Robin’s finger and found where he was pointing. “Ah, must be out of signing in slips.”

     “Busy eh?”

     The girl stared hard at David before replying, “Oh yes this is the height of the season for Brighton.” Then she turned away and tripped over the portable fan and her glasses went flying. She turned back in the general direction and smiled, “Sorry they should be more by the desk.”

     “Do you think she is alright?”

     Robin shrugged his shoulders, “I think so.”

     Just then the girl went to kneel straight down obviously forgetting that she was stood over the desk and with crunching of teeth clashing together her chin came down on the edge of it.

     Robin was first to show concern, “Are you okay?”

     The girl put her hand over her mouth before getting back up, “I’m okay just bit my tongue that’s all.”

     This time she went down missing the edge of the reception and there was a lot of rummaging around before a voice came back “None there must be in the filing cabinet just over the back here.”

     David and Robin watched in horror as the girl got back up and didn’t see a colleague open the top draw of the cabinet, she was in full speed and the cabinet draw was at head height as she hit the sucker from side on and was clothes lined to the floor.

     David cringed and winced at the same time, “That’s got to hurt.”

     Robin moved as fast as he could to help the girl up forgetting the cabinet draw was still open and as he helped her up they both hit the draw from underneath.

     David ran round and helped both of them and found the lady’s glasses.

     “Thank you both for all your help. Ah! There they are.”

     “How do you know that?”

     “The texture is smoother than other documents.”

     Robin felt them and agreed, “Is down to the texture.”

     David took a deep breath before deciding to avert any more accidents. “You just sit down missy and we will sign these little babies and Robin can you get the keys.”

     “Key” the girl said.

     “Keys, when I booked we booked for separate rooms.”

     “A lady called Amanda insisted on your party sharing, I took the call myself.”

     “Whom am I sharing with?”

     She looked at Robin and grinned and he grinned back at David.

     “Oh no, not sharing a room with freak boy.”

     David struggled up the stairs as the lift was constantly busy as this was a big hotel and patience wasn’t one of his virtues. As he finally got both cases up onto his floor he met Rare.

     “I’ll help you pull it!” The small man offered as he clutched hold of the other side of the handle.

     “What are you doing Rare! You are supposed to be pushing not pulling.”

     “Sorry David I often get mixed up.”

     “Screwed up more like” he mumbled as he finally got to the room.

     “You are sharing with me remember.”

     “Oh god no. how could I possibly forget.”

     Robin laughed, “Amanda said you’d say that.”

     As David got to the room he looked about him and saw on the sideboard loads of tablets with labels stuck on them telling Rare what time to take them.

     “You weren’t kidding about the medicine.”

     “You should see my locker at work.” Robin thought to the days when he went to his locker and opened up the door to pull out one bottle to find the rest collapsing on him and burying him under a land slide of pills.

     “So did Amanda say what we are doing for eats?”

     “She said we were to meet in the lounge at eight, also she said she was paying for our meals as a treat as we won’t be getting a Christmas bonus this year.”

     “Well imagine my shock about that.”

     Robin twitched his nose before replying, “You do know that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”

     Down in the lounge there sat Amanda with one mystery man sipping cocktails as the team bumped into each other before saying sorry and rubbing knocked parts.

     “Hey Rare! Check out the freebies man, free shower curtain, soap, toothpaste and brush, mint on the pillow.”

     “The shower curtain isn’t free.”

     “Isn’t it?”

     “No.”

     Dirk thought this through as he folded it neatly into his jacket pocket, “Oh well finders keepers I say.”

     “I wonder who the tall dark stranger is sitting next to Amanda?”

     David took one look and gave Mary a grin, “Probably a male hooker.”

     She frowned at his remark, “I don’t like that use of words.”

     “Prostitute then.”

     She turned her frown to Dirk, “I was referring to besmirching our boss’s reputation by saying things like that.”

     “Let’s just get this meeting over and done with” Robin added as he headed the group towards the pair.

     “Ah, everyone I’d like you to meet our new manager as from today mister Graham Gay.”

     “Gay by name and Gay by nature.”

     All looked at him with fear in their eyes.

     “Only joking, after all this town is played up to the sexes.”

     Dirk grinned, “I must admit I had you figured for a ginger beer.”

     “I bet he’s ginger beer.”

     Robin frowned, “A what?”

     David shook his head as he replied in disbelief, “Ginger beer as in queer.”

     “I had a ginger beard once. Dear mother slapped a load of orange marmalade in the form of a beard before sending me outside to sit in the midst of a swarm of bees; don’t you just love her. I still remember with fondness her words as she shoved me out, ‘I hope they sting you to death you spawn of the devil’.”

     Graham shook his head a little whilst frowning himself now, “Excuse me, what?”

     “He’s Robin Rare, comes out with stuff like that all of the time.”

     David added onto Mary’s words with, “Though one day he will repeat himself and that will be the end of his odd tales.”

     “Shall we go?” Amanda took Graham’s arm helping him to stand.

     All looked at the chap and realised one thing as Dirk for once was discrete, “The dude has only got one leg.”

     “Then try not to draw attention to it by saying anything stupid.”

     Dirk spoke up, “So who’s footing the bill this evening?”

     All the other three cringed but Dirk was none the wiser.

     Once seated everyone tried their best to relax and as the meal wore on it seemed to everyone that they were getting nice and relaxed.

     “I suppose you are all wondering about the old leg eh?”

     “Yeah, what happened?” Dirk asked as he was also distracted by a flash guy with a posh coat waltzing in like he knew the joint well.

     “Lost it whilst on duty for the army, mines you see, we didn’t know they were there and me and my best mate like youths dared each other to walk over, I said play football and he agreed. Of course the heady days of youth and all that I lost my leg and he lost his football, but we weren’t short of birds digging us for our bravery.”

     All were at a loss to say anything except Robin, “I remember the heady days of youth when I used to have two birds in my car.”

     "You had two birds in a Robin Reliant, I don't believe you Rare."

     "I did! I had a canary and a budgie. Didn't have enough space at home so they lived in the car. Ah the heady days of bird poo on my suit and on the steering wheel.”

     “What?”

     “Oh don’t mind Rare, as we told you he comes out with these things.” Mary said as she eyed up the dessert trolley.

     “You know when I said he’d finally run out of things to say, he has!”

     Amanda had to ask, “When?”

     “Just now with the birds in the car, he told me that one when we started working together, so now he has run out of things to say. In your face freak boy!”

     “A dessert anyone?” The waiter asked as he observed this motley bunch.

     “Could I have the ice cream sundae.”

     “I thought you are on a diet?”

     “She is but today is an exception for my love.”

     “But what about all that health food you were eating, did you lose any weight?”

     “Well David I didn’t.”

     Dirk added, “She just ate too much of it that’s all.”

     “I went and saw a psychic and he told me that one day I would be big baby big. I thought he meant a big star not a fat old cow.”

     “You are not a cow Mary.”

     “Thanks Robin.”

     “They have udders.”

     “Apple pie please” Graham asked showing his politeness.

     “Whipped cream or single cream with that sir?”

     “My mother used to cover me in cream.”

     Amanda raised her eyes to match his trying to get used to his walled eyes, “Sounds a bit purvey to me.”

     “No, she then used to say she was making whipped cream and used to whip me with a horse whip and believe it or not we had whipped cream.”

     David snorted, “I find that hard to believe.”

     “Okay I’ll show you my back and chest.” The table exploded with objections as Amanda beckoned Rare to get closer.

     “Robin.”

     “Yes boss.”

     “You wouldn’t happen to have that whip on you?”

     “Mother took it with her to the grave.”

     “She’s dead?”

     “Oh no, not yet.”

     “Then how could she take it to her grave?”

     “She had a grave built at the end of her garden, well took up all of the garden.”

     “Built?”

     “Yes she is having it styled like an Egyptian pyramid and all things of value are to be locked away in it with her when she dies. Apparently I am to be with her in there.”

     “You and your family are really freaks you know that.”

     “Oh yes! We were hounded out of a village with raised pitch forks and wooden sticks on fire and the sharpened knives.”

     Dirk looked over at the posh man as he laughed out loud, “I sure wish he’d shut up.”

     “Oh love, would you get me a glass of water?”

     Dirk nodded and as he was about to go Mary spoke to him once more, “There’s something on the bottom of your lower lip.”

     “Where?”

     “Don’t worry I’ll get it for you. Yuk it’s all stringy.”

     “Ah, that’s where that bogey went.”

     As David watched both of them staring at each other he shouted, “Go on Dirk hop to it!”

     “David I thought we were being cautious here.”

     “Ah, I mean go and leg it over and get Mary a drink.”

     “David!”

     Graham cottoned on, “Ah I see, leg, hop etcetera.”

     “Sorry boss, but David has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth.”

     “Robin!” Mary came in with as Dirk left, “We all agreed to tread carefully over your leg thing.”

     “Mary!”

     “Sorry.”

     Dirk was on his way past the noisy chap when the guy shouted at him.

     “Hey you there, stop and come over here.”

     He did as he was told and sauntered over “What do you want buddy?”

     “It is you!”

     “Yeah it’s me” Dirk replied not knowing quite what to say.

     “Sit down and have a glass of champagne, have two!” The guy stared hard at Dirk, “Gee, I cannot believe it is you.”

     “Okay, you are starting to freak me out here.”

     “It can’t be that long ago, that you don’t remember.”

     “What’s going on here? Is this man giving you trouble? If he is I will grab hold of his posh wine bottle and ram it up his…”

     Mary cut in to stop David from becoming unstable and violent, “There’s no need for rudeness here, especially towards a well established man sitting here with good looks.”

     Dirk frowned at her remark, “Just who the hell are you?”

     “I’m your brother you moron, you know Dave.”

     “My long lost brother, the one who walked out on us and left me to fend for my mother.”

     “The very one!”

     “Then all I have to say to you is have a nice life scum bag.”

     “My mother used to give me a bag full of scum to take to school in the form of a packed lunch. Some bits tasted of the food we had the night before and others like toe nail clippings were awkward always getting stuck in the throat.”

     “Quiet stumpy freak man.” Dirk’s long lost brother said as he carried on a conversation with the lady, “That was the old Dave, for what it is worth, I am very sorry, can’t we let it go.”

     “What did you ever do for my family after you walked away like dad did?”

     Mary was grinning from ear to ear, “I think you should forgive him.”

     “Thank you my beautiful lady.”

     “Buzz off Dave she’s my lady.”

     “Congratulations on a fine catch, a woman of high calibre.”

     Dirk wasn’t going to let him off so easily “So, what did you give?”

     “I used to send her money once a month for things, what she did with the money I don’t know.”

     “I often wondered where she got the money to go to bingo on a Sunday night.”

     “Champagne anyone?”

     “I will!” Mary said and David sat down more light hearted than before.

     “Well I aint so forgiving, see you around bro.” He looked around to see that Mary and David were staying put “Come on you guys.”

     “I think they want to stay Dirk.”

     He looked at Robin, “Do you want to stay also?”

     “No, I trust your judgement and will come along with you.”

     Dirk understood and walked away with Robin in toe “You are just like a dog Rare, all loyal and would follow me to the ends of the earth if asked.”

     “Thanks Dirk, that is the kindest thing anybody has said to me in a long while.”

     Robin could see he was troubled about the meeting so opted for a change of subject, “Where would you like to go?”

     Dirk came out into the light of day feeling the night pouring in, “Be dark soon. I hate seaside venues like this.”

     “Why is that Dirk?”

     “Because the place is full of women of ill repute and I am a magnet of love my man. I pull them in big time.”

     Robin followed his gaze feeling the need to add at this point “It is no good looking at her, she’s got crabs.”

     Dirk frowned, “How can you tell that? It’s the way she walks right?”

     “No, in her bucket she has crabs for sale, says so on the bucket.”

     “You know what I’d really love to do.”

     “What’s that?”

     “Go on a ghost walk.”

     “Then let’s do it.”

     “Not one of these public ones but a private one.”

     “I happened to see a ghost walk book in the newsagents.”

     “Okay my faithful friend go and fetch it for me.”

     “Woof, woof!” Robin barked as he went off to get the book.”

     Whilst Robin was in the shop he noted a small stand with nuts for sale in which you purchased what you cracked.

     “A rather novel idea don’t you think?”

     Robin looked at the woman and sure enough this was a new idea and one which could catch on. Noting she had what he needed he said “You can crack my nuts if you like!”

     A few minutes later he was detained by store security before the police arrived.

     Dirk observed the police arrive and when he saw Robin frog marched out of there he only had a few words to say “I’ll catch you up.”

     “Sorry Dirk.”

     “So you see Mary my love, I had to leave in order to seek out my fortune.”

     “Did you find it?”

     David snorted, “Of course he found it, he’s wearing it!”

     “Oh yes, I have been selling and buying jewellery for the past twenty five years and have done well out of it.”

     David eyed the guy up and down “Why do you wear gloves indoors?”

     “That’s because I have a cleaning fetish and wish for my hands to touch nothing unclean. A mental scar going back to my childhood when my father made me move a heap of manure with my bare hands.”

     “Then you had a bad childhood?”

     “Dirk was the blue eyed boy.”

     “He’s got brown eyes.”

     “Just a figure of speech David.”

     “Oh, I see, yes.”

     “I was the black sheep of the family and so was cast out. Dirk has every right to believe what he believes.”

     “Oh my poor man.”

     “Comfort this dejected soul Mary.”

     Mary didn’t need a second invitation and so cuddled up to the sweet smelling man.

     David decided he’d had enough and this vacation away was going to be a bummer.

     “Where are you going?”

     “Out for a walk.”

     Robin had his finger tips coated in black.

     “Just procedure.”

     “All I said was for her to crack my nuts as I was at a nut stand.”

     The man laughed, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s all been sorted. Your friend Dirk told one of the officers that you make remarks without thinking, you are married with a newborn child and you are a respected member of the community.”

     “He said all that?” Robin asked.

     “Said you run your own funeral parlour based on the stars of this world, dress the dead up like Elvis or what ever they wanted to be buried or cremated in. Novel idea, go well over here.”

     “What do you do apart from finger printing?”

     “Forensics, I get to go out and hunt for clues at murder scenes or break-ins etcetera etcetera.”

     “Any unsolved?”

     “Oh quite a few.”

     “Any very recent?”

     “Oh, we have one the smash and grab man.”

     “What does he steal?”

     “He targets jewellery shops and takes what he can in a few minutes.”

     “Do you have any clues?”

     The man grinned with eyes of fire “We have his blood, he smashes the window with his bare hands, must have cuts galore.”

     “And yet you still haven’t found him?”

     “No, he did David Warwick’s the other night and stole a few items. The guy is weird, wears gloves because of a cleaning fetish. If anything touches his skin he goes off and scrubs it.”

     “That is strange.”

     “Hey you Rare, you can go now.”

     “There, I told you. Don’t forget to wash off the ink.”

     “Thank you, um…” Robin hadn’t got the chaps name.

     “Phil. So where are you off to now?”

     “Dirk wants to go on a ghost walk.”

     “Oh take him down past the cemetery, there was a gruesome murder down there and the ghost still walks those parts. Directions are on page thirty five of the book you got.”

     Outside the station Dirk was pacing up and down in the dark.

     “Ah there you are, I wondered where you had got to.”

     “You should have known David, Rare is inside doing time.”

     “What has he done now?”

     “Something about playing with his nuts and a woman.”

     “I think the least I know the better.” David decided as he too joined Dirk in pacing up and down until the midget of the damned came on out.

     “Page thirty five Dirk, that’s the one we are going on.”

     David frowned feeling the need to add more moisturizing cream to stop the aging process as he spoke up “Page thirty five?”

     “Ghost walk my man we are going on a ghost walk!”

     The mist hovered over the damp graveyard, a solitary light shone out to highlight how cold the cemetery felt even though it was summer. All jumped when an owl screeched into the night air.

     “Where did you say this grave was?” Dirk asked feeling a chill running down his spine. It was his idea but now it didn’t feel quite a good one.

     David shone his torch at Dirk “According to the book it is bang in the middle.”

     “Can you not shine that thing into my eyes all I can see it yellow spots now.”

     “Sorry.”

     “I had terrible spots when at school.”

     “What’s that to do with the price of eggs?” David questioned as he shone the torch in Rare’s direction.

     “The kids used to call me pizza face.”

     “Yeah that happens, I got called spotty and grease ball because I used to suffer from greasy hair.”

     “Yeah Dirk, but my school comrades took it one step further.”

     “I had a funny feeling they would.” David mumbled as the group headed towards the centre of the cemetery.

     “As I was a pizza face they shoved my head into a warm gas oven to cook me.”

     “Yeah, and what happened?”

     “It got quite warm in there until my spots exploded puss everywhere and put the gas out. On the brighter side I didn’t get cooked and only suffered gas poisoning.”

     “Ah! The grave of Anne Heffner born seventeen ninety two and died thirty years later.”

     “What happened to her Dave?” Robin asked as he sat on her grave stone.

     “Beheaded by her husband who was hung for his crime. Apparently he said she was a witch as an excuse for wanting to be with another woman. Anne said she would haunt him to the grave. Sadly she didn’t get her wish and so is said to haunt any man who dares to approach her grave.”

     “What a load of bull!” Dirk replied as he started sniggering.

     David was a bit taken aback, “Says she calls out to the most vulnerable and knows their names.”

     “Crapola man, sheer drivel.”

     Robin stood up, “Did you hear that?”

     David froze, “Hear what?”

     “A voice calling my name.”

     “When?” Dirk asked as he felt that chill again.

     “Just then.”

     “Robin, Robin.”

     “You heard that right?”

     “I heard something coming from the grave.” David replied as he shone towards where Robin stood by Anne’s grave.

     “David, Dirk, Robin.”

     “She knows are names and is calling to us from her grave!”

     All three men looked at each other before David came up with a plan of action “Run!”

     “The doctor said I was not supposed to run” Robin added as the other two took off.

     “Then meet the ghost of Heffner dude.” Dirk replied as he was running close behind David.

     Robin was slow at most things, speech, following conversations and sadly not to let the side down he was running as if he was in slow motion. The voice called out to him again.

     “Robin.”

     “She’s right behind me!” Robin yelled and watched the other two putting a spurt on.”

     The voice called out to him again, “Robin you dialled home now hang up, can you hear me.”

     It was then Robin stopped realising where the voice was coming from. “Hey guys it’s no ghost it’s my mobile phone…I kind of hit the redial button.”

     David came walking back whilst Dirk shouted “Oh man!”

     Robin pulled the phone out, “Sorry love, I’ll hang up now and ring you tomorrow.”

     David reached out and clipped Robin round the ear.

     “What’s that for?”

     “For scaring me half to death, ghosts indeed.”

     “Sorry.”

     “Well, I’m off back to our hotel, coming?”

     “Yeah best get back, Mary will be waiting for me.”

     Robin snorted before quietly saying under his breath “I doubt it.”

     Mary kissed Dave goodnight it had been a fantastic evening.

     “Until tomorrow my dear.”

     “Until tomorrow, sweet dreams.”

     “Only if I dream about you.”

     Mary giggled like a school girl before closing the door to her room in which she was sharing with Amanda.

     From outside down the corridor Dirk saw his brother leave and what had unfolded he closed the door to his room and sank back into his bed feeling sorrow.

     “I’m worried about Dirk.” Robin said as David was fiddling about in the bathroom.”

     “What did you just say?”

     “I said I am worried about Dirk.”

     “What that he might be accosted by old people who think he looks like Shacking Stevens.”

     “I was thinking more on the lines of Mary and his brother Dave.”

     “Yes.”

     “Yes what?”

     “You used my name.”

     Robin scratched his head then decided to scratch his own before replying, “I call you David, I was talking about Dirk’s brother.”

     “The man who runs a place that sells jewellery.”

     “Do you know of another.” Robin said sarcastically as this conversation was proving to be a hard one.

     “What was that?”

     “Nothing.”

     “You said something.”

     Robin sighed “I think Mary is making a play for Dirk’s brother and from what I saw in the hallway I think he’s making a play for her affections.”

     “Oh really?”

     Robin went to the bathroom door “Yes really.”

     “Well there is little we can do except of course be there for Dirk. Not surprising really though.”

     “Why do you say that?”

     “He is a berk.” Then the big man cried out “Aha! I’ve got it, thought I’d forgotten it.”

     “Got what?”

     “My shampoo for fly away hair.”

     “Don’t you mean shampoo for flown away, hey, hey.” Robin laughed before feeling pain on the back of his head once more from a randomly aimed clip around the ear.

     The next morning all had to sit in on a lecture about the future of the institute given by the one legged new manager.

     “The next leg of the phase.” All sniggered then later he said “We should hop to it before it gets too bad.” They were in tears so much that he stopped and said abruptly “I have one leg now stop laughing about it it’s puerile.”

     Dirk grinned “Sorry boss but you just keep putting your foot in it.”

     “Ha! Foot in it, good one.”

     Amanda leaned forward and the group stopped laughing “If I were you I would tread carefully, he’s not the patient type like I am.”

     Robin caught on “Tread carefully!”

     “Robin to my room now!”

     Dirk wasn’t too sure about this and so came along. Inside the room was dark as the curtains were drawn.

     Amanda came back in after telling Robin to stay there and when she did she had another man, a big tall man all muscle bound and scary.

     “Um, what’s with the big dude?” Dirk asked.

     “He is my hired muscle, a bouncer from a local nightclub I met last night, he knows how to keep people like you in line.”

     “And what’s with the handcuffs and nightstick?”

     She looked at Robin “For tying you to the bed and punishing you big boy.”

     Dirk knew the signs all right “This place has got to her, run!”

     Outside in the open air once again the group were allowed to go their separate ways and as they passed the local supermarket Robin had to go in and get “Some parsnips.”

     “Why parsnips?” Mary asked as they patrolled the grocery section.

     “Well, we go home tomorrow and Marie asked me to get some, she’s making parsnip soup my favourite.”

     Dirk tried to hold Mary’s hand and yet she was having none of it.

     “I’m going to the fair this afternoon, I am meeting your brother there.”

     “I don’t know why you brother, the guy is a selfish loser.”

     “I don’t know how you can say that, he gave me this necklace.”

     “Showering you with gifts now.”

     “More than what you have ever bought me.”

     David could sense the coldness in the air and decided to intervene “I’m game for the fair, how about you Robin?”

     Robin had just purchased two parsnips and told the lady “No, I want to save the environment I will not have a bag” shoving them into his large pockets on his tweed trousers.

     Dirk saw a woman that looked familiar “Hey Rare! Isn’t that the bird who shopped you to the police?”

     “Oh yeah, I must say something to her that will convince her I am not a pervert.”

     “Careful Robin she is in the fruit isle” David advised as the group watched on as Robin made a move whilst the woman picked up something that looked like a...

     “Excuse me, they are a nice pear you have on you. If you’d like I can show you my parsnip it’s in my trousers…”

     Blue lights and sirens later Robin was once more in the police station.         

     The fair was bustling of rides and it looked more like a fun fair, so in hindsight it would have been better for them to stick ‘fun’ in front and spelt fair as in fair not the fayre spelling they used here.

     “So where is my brother then?” Dirk asked as he stood by a bungee jump feeling the warn glow of satisfaction that the guy had been selfish after all and had done a runner.

     “He’s up there.”

     Dirk looked up and sure enough there he was showing off at the top of this platform “What’s he doing?”

     “Bungee jumping here.” Just as Mary said this he dived and fell towards earth.

     “I hope the cord snaps.” Dirk mumbled under his breath as his brother came down ordered a coffee on at the bottom before he was pulled upwards. Second time down he paid for it and on the third time he drank it.

     “Wow that was amazing!” Mary giggled like a school girl having a crush on some boy playing sports on the playing field. Except it was Dirk’s older brother she obviously has a crush on.

     Dirk kicked a can of drink and watched as it spilled its contents over the floor and then a little boy started to cry. “Hey kid sorry I thought it was empty…” Then he had a shadow loom over him as he looked up he saw the family resemblance “I’m sorry about your boys…”

     The man sent Dirk spiralling to the floor onto his bottom and something else had hurt him more.

     “Mary, Mary! My nose.”

     Mary turned and saw him on the floor and picked him up “Well if you will go around creating trouble.” She straightened his nose and gave him a tissue for the small amount of blood “Why can’t you do something like Dave.”

     “What? Showing off to the crowd with his coffee addiction and throw away Chinese sweatshop plastic cups.”

     Robin stepped up and looked up at the height of the thing “I ran one with Chinese...”

     “How the hell did you do that Rare?” David asked as he joined the party along with Dirk’s odd brother.

     “Someone with criminal intentions you must have had a conscience about illegal immigrants and forging a sweatshop.”

     Robin stared hard at them all before addressing Dirk’s brother “I ran a Chinese hamster sweater shop, they would form the wool from fleeces off lambs and sheep by spinning the yarn and then about a hundred others would turn multiple wheels which generated enough electricity to run the looms.”

     “Did the RSPCA close you down?” David asked whilst keeping an eye on Dirk who was watching another fool jumping.

     “No fire did, I chose the wrong hamsters, long haired you see, their little coats created so much friction that they caught a light and burned the place down.”

     “Grosse!”  

     “Fried hamster anyone?” David joked before watching Dirk climb the steps to this set up “What the hell are you doing?”

     “Mary I love you so much that I will risk my life on this death dealing device.”

     Dave whispered something into Mary’s ear and Mary said out loud “Yeah whatever.”

     Robin rubbed his chin as he watched his best friend climb up to the top, this was foolishness in his view but Dirk was out to prove his manhood.

     “You could just buy her a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates.”

     Dirk looked down pointing “Like those ones.”

     Robin turned around as he spoke “Yeah exactly as…oh.” Dave had got there first with a big bunch hand delivered along with chocolates.

     Up on top of the world Dirk held fast hold of the safety rail…

     “Have you done this before sir?”  

     “Natch!”

     “Then step forward and we will just adjust the crane for your height.”

     “Make sure it’s for a six foot five man.”

     The man sniggered before realising this rocker from the fifties was being serious.

     Dirk couldn’t move and the guy had to pry his hands from off the rail.

     “Are you sure you have done this before?”

     “Loads of times, just not in a fair ground with loads of people looking on.”

     “Don’t worry, only one in a billion chance of the bungee breaking.”

     “The way my luck is running probably be this time.”

     “Right my man you are cleared and ready to jump.”

     “What? I just step off?”

     The man grinned as he knew Dirk was a virgin here “Just dive off, looks more spectacular.”

     “Just dive?”

     The wobble of the voice was clear now “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

     “No dive I shall.” Dirk looked over the edge again and all those small midgets looking back up.

     “Come on sir, lets get you undone and away from the edge.”

     “No I will jump my man!” Dirk replied as he raised his arms up.

     “Mind the edge otherwise you will…fall.”

     One second he was upright then the next he was airborne and heading head first towards the ground then the next he hit it in the face.

     “Ah my nose, my bloody nose!”

     David squirmed “Now that’s got to hurt.”

     “Told you my brother is a loser, why do you think I left.”

     Robin watched them walk away, Mary totally taken in by the man. It was then that he decided he didn’t like him and would find a way to get him back and Mary. She was totally seduced by the power of the dark side, not that Robin was much of a Starwars fan but the idea seemed to fit here.

     Dirk made it back down with nose bent “Where did she go?”

     Robin thumbed behind him “Off with your brother.” He took a look at Dirk’s nose and with a snap it went back into place.

     “Thanks buddy.”

     David came on over “Nice face plant, those trials bike riders over there are proud of you.”

     Dirk nodded and got a round of applause from the lads. He leaned forward so only Robin could hear his question “I’ve lost her haven’t I?”

     When your best friend fixes you with puppy dog eyes you have to tell the truth “Yes, you have.”

     Dirk held his breath for a while until it was time to let it out “Won’t be sad this fine day, let’s hit the fair and ride on everything.”

     David shook his head “No can do my friend I have just spotted a violent arcade game I want to have a go at. See how many heads I can rip off in three minutes.”

     They watched the big man go and Robin found another area worth exploring “Look Dirk! Traditional fair with the wooden rides and traditional duck shoot and coconut shies.”

     “Then advance forward my man and get us a couple of nuts.”

     They won one coconut which Robin won after hitting the man on the back of the head with all his wooden balls and thank goodness he could blame it on his walled eyes. Sympathy brought the best out of people. Dirk used two on the game and a third he aimed at his brother missing him and hitting the same kid as before right on the forehead.

     “Has he gone?”

     Robin looked over and saw the boy’s big father walking in the opposite direction “Yeap, looking for you in the other part.”

     “Last time I hurl anything out of anger.”

     Robin noticed a large group of women walking well marching past an event a Miss Brighton event.

     “Hey Rare! Sexy women holding up placards.”

     “We are protesting about sexism in today’s society, man’s society.”

     “Hey I hear you babe…” Dirk got a frown off the woman “I mean madame…” the frown got deeper “I mean my equally challenged friend.”

     Just as Robin saw something that made him smile there was panic in the group as a young girl collapsed from the heat by a small stall.

     “Yo! Rare, where are you going?”

     Robin walked forward and stood over the young girl.

     “What can we do?” One of the ladies asked “I’ve loosened her collar and waving a fan over her.”

     The girl’s mother looked up towards the man who was standing over the group grinning, “What can we do?”

     Robin grinned “Rub her balloons.”

     “Pardon me? How dare you!”

     Robin frowned as the woman stood up and he knew her to be the one from the supermarket “Rub her balloons! I haven’t had a go in years.”

     Police sirens and ten minutes later Robin was back in his cell along with Dirk who looked over and said “Trust you to find a stall selling traditional rubber balloons.”

     “Time for you guys to be moving on, the woman has dropped her charges after your boss lady said you were mentals from the institute.”

     “Doing overtime Phil?”

     “Yeah, need the cash.”

     “Found the jewel thief yet?”

     “No, he did another this morning and left blood at the scene once more.”

     “I hope you get him.”

     “Thanks Robin, keep in touch man.”

     While Robin exchanged numbers Dirk walked out and called a taxi.

                                     ALL GOOD THINGS

     The atmosphere was well rather strained as all sat round with Dirk flicking peanuts at other guests and Mary getting on to him.

     “Pick them up! Someone could have an accident.”

     “Teaches them to look where they are going.”

     Robin leaned forward to Mary “What has Dirk got to do to win you back?”

     Mary stared at the floor “Nothing Robin, he’s cute and nice in a strange way but he is not like his brother. Dave is kind, caring and well clearly better in all ways. He’s offered me a job of a lifetime.”

     “Oh yeah, what?” Old big ears David was back with drinks.

     “To run my own nursery.”

     "I Ran a nursery once with little success."

     "Oh yeah." Mary replied with keen interest.

     "Oh yeah, the babies were no good at planting or watering and so we sold little amounts of plants."

     Dirk took a walk and went on over to Amanda, he quickly sprayed on some aftershave for effect. The Dirk love machine was swinging into overdrive.

     “Can I buy you a drink?”

     Amanda’s eyes were watering as she just had to ask “What is that smell?”

     “It’s Obsession for men.”

     “Do you know what my obsession is right now big boy?”

     “I can guess my dear.”

     She eyed him up and down before calmly saying “My obsession is to go over there and not see you until tomorrow.”

     Dirk nodded as he drank his drink quickly before announcing to his little world “Yeap, still got it!”

     “Dave is coming down to look at our institute.”

     David yawned as this guy was on the table for discussion again, it was Dave does this and that it was boring.

     Robin nodded “When?”

     “We head back tomorrow and he is coming down in the evening and looking over the place the following day, he’ll be staying at mine.”

     “Gee I didn’t see that coming” David said as he stood up “I’m going to bed.”

     “I think I will join you.” Robin noticed a few from other tables look around, “I mean in my bed I am going to sleep.”

     Dirk could see the group getting up, this was the last chance he had to impress Mary, so giving the live band a nod they played something catchy which Dirk could dance to.

     “Hey Mary let’s rock this joint!” He shouted out as he ran over towards her slipped on some of those peanuts he dropped earlier and slid all the way into the dessert trolley making it crash into a table where a family were about to chose their desserts, which they were now wearing.

     “That just sums him up Rare.” Mary added as Robin left her to get on over and help the chap up.

     “Hey Rare! My nose is intact.” Then a fist found his nose and as Dirk slapped back onto the floor he realised he had just ruined that boy’s evening, the one with the coke incident, oh and the wooden ball.

     The Van stuttered as they hit the motorway home. Dirk was rubbing his side.

     David was driving “What’s up with you now grease ball?”

     “I think I’ve got appendicitis my side really hurts.”

     Mary looked round “Your appendix is on the other side, it’s probably wind.”

     “Ah, it’s gone now!”

     Robin knew as he said “We know, can we have the windows wound down at the front, my mouth was open and everything.”

     “My back is sore.”

     “Is there any part of your anatomy that isn’t.”

     Dirk grinned at Mary and heard her say “Oh please!”

     “There’s my apartment” Robin came out with as he saw the homestead and a silent sigh of relief. “Anyone want to come up for a coffee?”

     David’s mouth felt like the inside of a bird cage and hopped out but Mary didn’t.

     “I’m going to catch a taxi, I’m tired and want to get my place ready for Dave.”

     The troops piled upstairs and Marie suddenly found the place a little fuller.

     “How did the break go?”

     “Flipp’in awful” David mumbled as Dirk gradually sat down.

     “And what’s up with you?”

     “I’ve got serious back ache, I may have slipped something, oh and Mary is dating my long lost brother now.”

     “You have a brother?”

     “Yeah, left me and mum years ago.”

     “And Dirk feels he is bad luck for all of us.”

     Dirk looked at Marie “He’s a panda box ready to be opened.”

     “It’s Pandora’s box you muppet.”

     “I’d rather be a muppet than welsh.”

     “You take that back otherwise I will pound that nose of yours into a bloody mulch.”

     “Come on you two knock it off.” Marie intervened adding this “Robin is good at doing backs, why don’t you let my husband walk on it.”

     As David sat down a noise was heard, “Not me!”

     “Could be you Dirk after the van incident.”

     “No way my man that was a slip and I do very few of those.”

     “It’s our baby” Marie said as she picked the little love bundle up “I got you a gift.”

     Robin could see the small box and as he got closer he read the contents “Contact lenses.”

     “Your prescription, thought you’d like to give it a try. There are some ready for you now.”

     Robin did as he was told and did what you had to do and then placed them onto his eye.

     “Hey guys what do you think?”

     “Cool man.” Dirk responded whilst David with a straight face indeed made his comment “You still look like a freak.”

     “Do you want your back doing?” Robin asked as he ignored the grumpy Welshman.

     “Want some more coffee David?”

     “Yeah the river is dry and it needs some moistening.”

     “Whatever” Marie said as she poured him another drink and the next question was “Tell me about Mary and Dirk?” Big mistake as he went on in extreme detail the whole three days and how it had turned out to be the worst time away ever.

     When Dirk came out he was a new man and quickly placing his shirt back on he had to agree “Your husband is a good healer of backs.”

     “I told you so.”

     Robin came out bare footed and had just one thing to ask his wife “Love, have you seen my athletes foot cream anywhere, I’ve got some more of it popping up.

     David looked at Dirk and all Dirk did was run into the bathroom to scrub his back.

     Marie turned to her husband “What are we going to do about Mary and this Dave?”

     “Robin blinked a little feeling the contacts move just a little but enough to move his mind into action “I have a good plan which should work.”

                                    FAMILY PLANNING

     The next day Dirk really didn’t like going to work because his show off brother would be there and as he stepped out with Rare he noticed something about the weather, the sky was grey and Robin said something.

     “Oh my spitting again.”

     “I'll get my rain coat and brolly.”

     “Oh not that kind of spitting, I mean the workmen on the roof.”

     “Whurr.”

     The bus ride was a bumpy one as the driver insisted on hitting every pot hole and bump as well as cornering at fifty, still made it sadly early to the institute where Robin told Dirk his plan.

     “You know Morris.”

     “Yeah the dude who throws up all of the time.”

     “Feed him up and take him to one of our padded cells.”

     “I got you my man, on my way.”

     Robin fiddled around at the reception desk and had the things he needed. Syringe also a pin, he had a plastic sealable bag and an envelope with an address hand written and of course the right amount of postage for size of letter.

     Mary was waiting by the door and like an excited school girl upon seeing a pop star she squealed “He’s here!”

     The man was indeed there as David opened the door for him “Welcome to our establishment and may I…”

     “Hello Mary my dear I have missed you.”

     David felt indignant at the way he was snubbed “Still wearing gloves I see.”

     “My dear fellow this place is probably full and crawling with germs, public sanatoriums usually are.”

     “This one is privately owned.”

     “Don’t get a strop on dear boy just stating the obvious, mind you a private one must have some famous faces in here.”

     “We get a few.” Mary added as she took her man by the hand.

     “Actually we cater for the poor paid to us by the NHS, not that you really care; posh git.”

     “Come this way Dave and have a blood test.”

     “A blood test?” Mary questioned along with David saying that as well.

     “According to new rules we have to have a blood test from all patients.” He looked at them all and noticed a grin pass over David’s face. “This is from the patients’ point of view we are conducting your tour as it will be more fascinating and enjoyable for you.”

     The man thought it over and decided “No, I’d just like to have a look around from a guests’ point of perspective.”

     “Point of view you gimp.” David mumbled before feeling pain to the ankle, Mary had kicked him.

     Robin watched the big man do a kind of dance in pain from the kick. He didn’t want one and so ushered Dave to take a seat, “Please take a seat and have a coffee.”

     “Thank you” and as soon as he sat he shot straight up again clearly in pain.

     “What is it my love?”

     Robin rushed over and pulled out a pin which had lodged itself into his backside.

     Mary looked at it “Must be old Groves she always leaves this kind of thing around as a pin cushion.”

     “I was used as a pin cushion by my mother, she was always using my backside as a cushion.”

     “What a load of rubbish man…”

     Robin placed the pin down on the desk and pulled down his trousers and pants pulling the guy a moony.”

     “Ah…I didn’t need to see that…isn’t that a few still stuck in there…gross.”

     Mary spun her man around and decided “This way for the tour love.”

     Robin grinned the pain was worth it as he zipped up and also zipped the blood stained pin into the plastic bag. He nodded into the shadows and out stepped Amanda.

     “I hope you know what you are doing?”

     “Just get this posted please.”

     She nodded and left the building. 

    The tour went round the usual places where the mentally insane floated about on drugs and other things. Then it was time to visit the padded cell.

     “This is the highlight of the tour a padded cell.”

     “I’ve only seen these on television, do they really protect the patient from harm?”

     “Have a go.” Whilst Dave was bouncing off the padding Robin stepped out of the room and signalled for Dirk.

     “Do I have to go in there, I feel sick.”

     “Good dude, um I mean it will do you good.”

     “But if I bounce off a wall I will throw up.”

     Dirk nodded “Yeah buddy that is a risk you are going to have to take.”

     Mary frowned as Dirk brought in Morris “Why is he here?”

     “Amanda decided he needed a spell of solitude.”

     Dirk pushed the old dude in and as he stood by Robin he whispered “You sure my brother will smack the guy when he throws up on him?”

     “It’s risky but odds are good.”

     “Well my dear bro, here is Morris a patient who wanted to meet you, saw you pass and all that.”

     “Nice to meet you Morris.”

     Once he saw Dave offer his hand Dirk slapped the old guy on the back and waited for the sick to flow but nothing came.

     “Can I go now?” Morris asked as he looked at Dirk.

     Mary cottoned on what was going on and kicked Rare in the shin “Come on my love we will go to the staff restaurant.”

     “Gee thanks Morris!” Dirk said as he squared up to the old man face to face and that was when the old boy vomited over him.

     “Sorry Dirk.” Robin said as he patted the rocker on the back.

     “Yeah I know you are, not as sorry as I am.”

     Just a while later Mary came rushing around the place in all of a fluster.

     “What is it?”

     “Davjstmarrasme!”

     “Fire! Where?” David asked as he grabbed the nearest fire extinguisher.

     “No Davasmarrme.”

     “Hold on Mary, take deep breaths and let those words out slowly.”

     Gasping air like goldfish water she slowed herself down “Dave has just asked me to marry him and I accepted.”

     David blinked trying to find some words, good words “Well that’s just dandy.”

     Robin hobbled forward and gave her a peck on the cheek “Congratulations, I hope you both will be happy. When is the big day?”

     “We are getting a special license, next weekend, Saturday to be exact.”

     “How are you going to get everything arranged in such short notice?”

     “I can with the help of my friends.”

     Robin didn’t approve and David was a little distant on this and yet when called friends they rallied around.

     “Well I can arrange transport you can use my funeral cars, all polished.”

     “Thanks Robin.”

     “What are you going to wear?”

     “I don’t know, something that will cover my ample frame.”

     David grinned as he said “My brother owns a marquee will that be big enough?” He managed to dodge the kick to the shin.

     In fact with the team pulling together even Dirk all things were ready for the big day.

                                               D DAY

     Mary had her dress ready and on, it flattered her frame in her minds eye and with everyone else agreeing she looked the perfect bride to be.

     “Robin is here with the cars.” Marie shouted out as she cuddled her child.

     Everyone piled downstairs and towards the car, the trouble was “There is limited room in the hearse.” And boy they tried to get everyone in. In the end Robin had an idea “We’ll put Mary in the back.”

     “But Robin that’s where the coffin goes.”

     Robin smiled at his wife “Does anyone have a better idea as we need to be there in ten minutes.”

     The small group slid Mary face down onto the wood where the coffin should go. Not a very glamorous way to go to your wedding but hey beggars cannot be choosers.

     At the church Dave paced up and down and looked over at Dirk his so called brother then to his surprise Dirk walked on over, well swaggered.

     “I just want to wish you well and hope you treat Mary right.”

     Dave took his offered hand “And I just want to say thank you for coming here and one more thing.”

     “What’s that?”

     “I would be honoured if my brother would be the best man, awfully lonely up front here you know.”

     “Okay bro just for you.” They hugged and Dave then handed Dirk the ring still in its box.

     The party arrived and once the wedding music sounded all stood to attention with eyes front as the bride in all her glory walked to be by her future husband.

     “You look a picture of real beauty my dear.” Dave said as she took his breath away.

     “And you do to my love.”

     Robin found his place by the side of his wife.

     “Why are you on edge?”

     “Because I have to do something.”

     “I told you to go before you left to get the cars.”

     “Sorry.”

     The vicar went laboriously through the vows before he finally said “Now is there any lawful impediment as to deny these lovely two marriage?”

     Robin stepped out into the isle “I’m afraid I do.”

     The whole church turned to see the small man as he kept his eyes forward walking slowly towards the shocked couple.

     “Take your gloves off.”

     “Robin that’s not fare you know he has the fear of being unclean.”

     “No, he’s the Brighton smash and grab man and I can prove it.”

     “The guy is blithering!” Dave Warwick blurted out.

     “You remember sitting on a pin at the institute, well I had that sent off and forensics there matched it to the blood they had at the scene and the DNA was one hundred percent match.”

     Mary’s mouth fell open, all she could stammer out was “Y…you…a jewel thief?”

     The game was up “Sorry my dear, time to fly!” He went to run but was rugby tackled to the floor by David and closely behind the police.

     “Thanks Robin a nice bit of work” Phil said as he stepped up and patted the guy on the back.

     “It was good of you to trust me a man who says random things.”

     “Next time in Brighton I’ll buy you a drink.”

     Dirk ran over to Mary and comforted her in his arms.

     “I’ve made a complete fool of myself I really have.”

     “You will never be a fool in my eyes my dear.”

     She looked up at him “Do you really mean that?”

     “Of course.”

     “I’m going to need some time.”

     “Have all the time in the world and when you’ve had enough you know I will still be waiting.”

     When they kissed Robin admired the beautiful sight before him. He had foiled Dirk’s brother and shown him up for what he really was and as for the team? They would overcome this as friends always do. No one would harm his friends as long as he was about.

                                                  THE END    

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